Spare the rod, save the child |Dr C J John
They claim good intentions, unaware of the damage caused to young minds by their expressions of fury and resentment.
KOCHI: Two recent incidents where teachers resorted to physical abuse to discipline students have drawn attention. Many adults, including parents and teachers, rely on punitive methods and verbal abuse to make children well-mannered. They claim good intentions, unaware of the damage caused to young minds by their expressions of fury and resentment.
Where did this mother go wrong?
A woman brought her son for professional help to address his disobedience and oppositional behaviour. In a typical scenario, she would grab anything to beat the child. In her punitive state, she would shout advice, use derogatory words, and curse her son.
All the boy could remember was her dramatic display of anger. Never before had she initiated a dialogue explaining why his behaviour was inappropriate, nor did she explain why the negative consequences followed.
As a result, her actions became expressions of her anger, rather than a constructive tool for correcting the child’s indiscipline. Many parents behave similarly.
Disciplining should ideally be done with utmost calm. There must be an evaluation of why a behaviour is undesirable. First-time mistakes may be excused. The child should have clarity about unacceptable behaviours. It’s important to explain in advance that certain consequences will follow if there are deviations.
However, these consequences should not hurt the child emotionally or physically. Depriving the child of certain privileges they enjoy, such as outdoor play, an outing, or screen time, can serve as effective consequences. The goal is to identify the best reminder for the child so that internal control over misbehaviour develops. Setting consequences in consultation with the child is also important. Unfortunately, this mother, like many parents, failed to observe the basic principles of disciplining.
Guiding principles of discipline
The aim of effective discipline is to foster acceptable and appropriate behaviour in the child, enabling them to grow into emotionally mature adults. To be effective, the following principles must be in place:
Sensitive implementation
The parent or teacher should appreciate desirable behaviour. The child needs to feel secure in the relationship. While enforcing discipline, it’s important to remind the child of their inherent goodness and explain why their action is unacceptable. Avoid using words that label a child as ‘bad’. Instead, emphasise that one is a wonderful child and that the consequence is for misbehaviour. Discipline enforced by adults without an emotional bond to the child can be detrimental to character development. Disciplining adults should also be a model at least in certain areas.
Consistent discipline
Consistently applying consequences shortly after an act of misbehaviour strengthens its corrective impact. Inconsistent discipline leaves the child confused. The consequences must also be proportionate to the severity of the misdeed.
Fairness as perceived by the child
It’s important for the child to understand their mistake and perceive the fairness of the corrective action. This can be achieved through healthy communication. Over time, children may come to appreciate that such disciplining has contributed positively to their character development.
Also, if a sibling or classmate is exempt from punishment for the same type of mistake, the fairness principle is undermined, leading to a perception of favouritism.
Geared towards the goal of self-discipline
Any corrective measure must be appropriate to the child’s developmental stage and temperament. It’s important to remember that disciplining adults will not always be present in the child’s life. Therefore, each act of discipline should impart lessons and insights that foster self-discipline as the child matures. Punitive or hurtful approaches can hinder the development of internal discipline.
Common discipline policy for the home
Fathers, mothers, and other family members should unite in implementing a common, psychologically healthy discipline strategy. Open criticism of disciplining methods in front of the child should be avoided, as it allows the child room to manipulate. Disagreements should be expressed privately, away from the child’s presence.
Avoid hurtful words and actions
Effective discipline should not instil shame, negative guilt, a sense of abandonment, or a loss of trust. Canes and rods used for corporal punishment symbolise bad disciplining. Be patient – spare the rod and save the child.
Dr C J John
The Indian Express.